Brighter Eyes, Better Parenting, and Exercise

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I’m proud to say I’ve made it to two weeks without a smoke of cannabis, and I feel great.

I won’t lie, this week was harder for cravings, but the thought of having to say I relapsed on here again stopped me in my tracks — not just that — but the improvements I’ve seen in my relationship with my six year old son have kept me strong.

Here’s a few notes from my quitting weed diary from the past week.


It’s a bank holiday and raining, me and R just chilled at home then later we went for…

Image by Kerry Arbon

Your space has to be beautiful and homely to you for you to function well emotionally, mentally, and physically. But if you’re on welfare the money you get only covers rent, bills and food (just about) and doesn’t leave room for luxury.

There isn’t money spare for curtains, rugs, wallpaper or decent art work.

So what do you do?

Long silk scarves from the charity shop

They can be used as window coverings. …

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Matthew Clarke, the author of the book, spent three years trying to quit and relapsed many times. He was a heavy cannabis smoker from the age of sixteen to twenty-nine, and yet he finally managed to quit.

This book is based on his own research and experience. I found it really helpful and have highlighted the parts that are helping me through my own recovery from this sweet, but ultimately damaging herb.

[Note: Obviously it’s not damaging for people who use it responsibly. I’m not one of those people.]

“All you are concerned about is looking towards the next high…

Sweats, Dreams, and a Mental Health Diagnosis

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Well, I made it a full week without a smoke of the herb and I’m here to report the highlights and lowlights.

Day 1

Felt good all day, simply because of the decision to quit weed.

I went easy on myself and basked in the feeling of not having the guilts for being sneaky and hiding my weed habit.

Made cornflake chicken for my son and had the house all tidy.

Day 2

Woke up sweating after bad dreams about the conman.

Spent the morning wondering if I could still get him done for coercive control and abuse, even though it’s been three years…

After fifteen years of being on a rollercoaster I can finally breathe

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I’ve suspected I had bipolar for a couple of years now, but was scared to fully admit it because of the idea of needing lifelong medication and the stigma that comes with it.

Last year I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety with traits of EUPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) but it didn’t sit right when I read into it. I accepted the professional viewpoint at the time and told myself I must be in denial.

The thing was, how I reacted to this news.

I’ve always written under my mothers maiden name as a way to keep some privacy and because frankly, I was scared of anyone I know…

I didn’t report him, and now he’s struck again

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Since quitting weed my dreams have come back. The last two nights they have been about the conman I fled from three years ago.

This has brought an increase in intrusive memories about him throughout the day too. I hate that he still takes up space in my mind.

It got me thinking how unfair it is that he just goes about wrecking women's lives (and their children's) and then just moves on with the next one.

I did get a restraining order on him after it all happened, but that has expired now.

We have had no contact since…

I need to move forward in my life without the sweet, sweet herb.

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I love it and it’s been good to me, but we truly need to part ways now.

My inner self, my young self told me she smokes ‘because she can’. Because she was always being told no, so now she gets what she wants and grabs and binges until it’s gone. Unfortunately we both realize that when it’s gone, there is that ever-present emptiness to face without it.

The great abyss.

But, I’m hula hooping now.

I need to lose this fat I’ve amassed for the first time in my life, and strengthen my core muscles as a matter of urgency. This is the area…

And How to Move Forward.

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According to the Cambridge dictionary, a victim is “someone or something that has been hurt, damaged, or killed or has suffered, either because of the actions of someone or something else, or because of illness or chance”.

I may be a victim, but I’m much more than that, and I don’t want to suffer anymore.

You have to become mindful and focused on your illness for a while in order to understand and heal it.

Maybe it’s all you talk about and think about for a while, in order to process it.

We have to accept we are wounded and…

I’ve been without one for 3 months.

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On top of being a single mother, fighting (and just managing survival mode) with depression and anxiety, I am skint as hell trying to live on universal credit.

After rent and bills are paid I’m left with £250 per month for food and any other necessities. I was never going to be able to afford a washer until I got a job. And I can’t get a job until I can manage to get out of the door without a panic attack.

I’m working on that with a mental health team and antidepressants at the moment.

So the washing…

Usually I’d do one…

An edited (swearing removed) excerpt from my Universal Credit diaries.

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I feel gripped by fear, dread, anxiety.

Reg has gone to school sick with anxiety too. That makes me more anxious, and guilty.

Lost my universal credit pin number so can’t login for three days.

Have no money until 19th and I don’t know what I’m going to do for milk and fresh food.

I’ve already borrowed off mam. I can’t bring myself to ask anyone else, and Anth made it clear yesterday how skint he is and any money he gets needs to go towards his new van.

Please guardian angels, if you are real help me today. Please…

Kerry Arbon

English woman and mother writing about mental health, parenting, addiction and recovery.

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