When a Bad Day Just Gets Worse
R* cried all the way to school with a bad tummy. I took him anyway as he’s been crying wolf alot lately — but I felt guilty because I’d been stressed with him and sweary.
When I phoned half an hour later he had settled and was fine. I felt glad he was there rather than being around me in my miserable state.
Went to pick up my prescription — not there. Go to doctors to ask them about it, 'Computers are down - nothing we can do today.'
Thats five days without Lexapro. 'Will you be okay?' She says. I’m stood in the doorway with my mask on and point to my head - 'No, I’m going out of my mind’.
The two nurses exchange a look then take my name and number and I walk out before she can say anymore.
Cry all the way home.
I always cry better when I’m walking for some reason.
Eat two packets of chicken noodles. Immediately bloat up as though I’m 6 months pregnant. R’s dad calls and I can’t stop myself crying to him about what a failure I am.
‘What does it look like to R — us being this poor?’
He says he’ll make us some tea when he finishes work.
I turn my laptop on because at least I can write. Maybe I’ll even write a masterpiece in my desperation!
But no - the screen is white. I turn it on and off a few times. 'The white screen of death' is apparently a thing that means your laptop is f***ed. It’s so bad it’s almost funny - but I can’t laugh.
I lay on the settee with the throwover wrapped around me and feel like a pathetic person. I Give up. There’s nothing left in me and I’m full of stodgy noodles. My belly hurts. I don’t think my body agrees with them.
The foodbank messages back to say they can’t help me with gas or electricity.
Mam gets in touch out of the blue and asks if I’m ok. I try to evade her. She pushes and I end up telling her - '£3 left on the meters and nothing in the fridge until Thursday’. She puts £10 in my bank even though I know she is skint herself. I don’t want her to but I take it for R’s sake, to get things in the fridge that he will eat.
He won't eat tinned food and I can't blame him. Why do food banks not provide freezer food or fresh food? It seems wrong to mention this to them, but still, not everyone can stomach crap processed food, wheat and cereals.
Warmth, decent food and light - you only really appreciate them when you’ve lost them or are about to.
Without a laptop it's harder to write and publish anything. A perfect reason to finally let myself off the hook. So why do I feel so sad?
Because of all the cute notes I’ve wrote about R. All my memories and works in progress.
Is this a sign I’m barking up the wrong tree?
I’m too poor to write. It’s not practical.
I feel brittle and cold.
I ask the walls:
‘Where is god right now? Why can’t I feel you when I need you?'
How am I meant to believe when everything feels so hard?
Later I realize god is in the people I love and who love me.
My mam, who gave me her last £10.
A, who made us tea, washed a load of laundry, was kind to me and let me cry to him.
Holding space for another in their suffering is priceless.
I hope I can be that person for them too if they ever need it.